What if she became attached to the child? And, what about her family? How would this new child affect her kids? What about her husband's questions about his wife's time that foster care might take away from the family, and the financial costs? How does one relate to the child's natural parents? Certainly, the questions are valid. Let me answer the question as if you, the reader, asked the question.

First, let me say that Legacy Families is a specialized foster family agency that cares for many kinds of children. In addition to children who are dependents of the court because of abuse or neglect, we care for handicapped and developmentally disabled children, including children who have epilepsy, autism, mental retardation, cerebral palsy, and who also may have special health care needs. Some of the children have difficult behavior problems. The Agency provides generous financial compensation, training, medical care and 24-hour social worker support.

Unlike most of the other foster family agencies in Antelope Valley, Legacy Families also places children who are clients of the Regional Center. Most of these children are not involved in the court system. These children are voluntarily placed in foster care because the natural parents, for a variety of reasons, are not able to provide the care their child's needs. The natural parents of these children are cooperative and appreciative of the foster families caring for their children. Because these children are voluntarily placed, we call the foster parents "support parents." The support parents join with the natural parents as team members. The support parents do not replace, but work with, the child's parents.

For those children who are dependents of the court and whose parents have failed, we are committed to provide the highest quality services to them as well. Legacy Families will provide the support and supervision that each foster family needs to serve these children. I have found that these parents who want to reunify with their children respond very well to foster parents who extend respect to them and who comply with the court's orders for visits.

Yes, there is a need in the Antelope Valley for foster parents who will work with special-needs children. At this time, many local children who are Regional Center clients are placed in foster homes out of our area, making it difficult for them to keep contact with their families and friends.

Your question about becoming a foster parent reveals the apprehension that most people experience when they consider foster care. I can see that you want to make a difference in the lives of children in special circumstances, but you don't want to harm your own family in the process. Your concerns may be divided into two basic questions: 1) is foster parenting something you can do, and 2) how will foster parenting affect your family?

The normal person will become attached to his or her foster child. Actually, if you are unable or unwilling to become attached, then the foster child may be emotionally harmed. (I wouldn't worry about that with you, because your question reveals that you are someone who is a giving, caring person.). The foster children from Legacy Families normally come from a family who loves them and remains involved in their lives, and you can succeed by teaching a child that he or she is loved by both the support family as well as the natural family.

If you decide to become a foster parent, it will, inevitably, cost you emotionally. Love is courage and conviction in action. Look at it this way: foster parenting is sharing your heart as well as your home. When a foster child leaves, he or she takes with them a part of your heart, and, hopefully, your heart becomes part of theirs . . . forever. Love that is given away is never lost. A foster child who experiences your love will always be better off, regardless of how long the child lives with you.

As for your pain over the loss of when the child leaves, you will survive. That loss is like a bookmark in the pages of your heart, where the child always has a place. And the pain that dims but never leaves will continue to energize you to make a difference in the lives of still more children.

As for your family, they will be affected. But whether the effect is negative or positive depends a lot on you, your family, and your Legacy Families social worker. If you can work as a team and support one another, you will have a much greater chance of success. Sometimes, foster parenting is like a tag-team event: when you need help, you can depend on your spouse or social worker to step in and help.

Remember that foster children come in all colors and in various assortments, from that little baby with serious medical problems to the mentally retarded teenager with behavior or self-care problems. If an older child is not appropriate for your home, maybe a child of another age will fit into your home.

As for protecting your children from risky situations, you should do what you can, but there are limits. Realistically, your children will meet a "problem child" as soon as they begin pre-school, meet the neighbors, or even at church.

Some foster children may bring problems into your home, but probably not what you may expect. Patient and persistent foster parents can address the kinds of problems many special-needs children have. These problems include emotional needs, impulse control, special health care needs, self-care training, educational deficits, and poor socialization skills.

Of course, your own children "come first," but love and nurturing have a way of growing to meet the needs of the moment. After all, if you had a baby or adopted a child, there would still be enough love to go around. In foster care, your children will learn that others are important, too.

As for not knowing what to expect, you can find some great information about foster parenting from Legacy Families. We will be glad to introduce you to the practical, emotional, financial and legal aspects of foster parenting. You can meet with other people who are inquiring about foster parenting at one of our get-acquainted meetings. You can even attend our orientation training to decide if you want to proceed.

As a foster parent, you have the right to choose the age-range and gender of the child placed in your home. In many cases, you and your family can have a pre-placement interview to meet with the child and his or her parents prior to the child being placed. And, the child gets to meet you, too. In some cases, an overnight or weekend visit will be arranged.

Being a certified foster parent through our foster family agency, rather than being licensed through the state, will provide you with greater resources, such as more social worker attention, training and better financial support. In some cases, we even pay for a babysitter so that you can have a break.

Medical care is paid for through Medi-Cal or through private insurance. If the child has any medical needs that will require your help, you will be trained, free of charge, in any procedures or equipment needed by the child prior to the child being placed.

If you are interested in caring for a special child with special health care needs, or a child who has developmental disabilities, autism, epilepsy, cerebral palsy or mental retardation, or a child who experienced abuse or neglect, you can call Legacy Families at 805/949-7878. The office is located at 43260 Challenger Way, Lancaster, CA 93535.

I hope I have answered a few of your questions. But you'll never know for sure about being a foster parent until you call and ask.

All great journeys begin with a single step.

Gene Gray, MA, M.F.C.C., is the Administrator and Executive Director of Legacy Families, Inc.
Article © 1998 by Gene Gray